Some people host Thanksgiving, drawing loved ones to their home. Others eschew traveling to family affairs, and instead congregate with friends at local, low stress gatherings. But most are among the millions who plod near and far to spend it with their ragged clan. For them, I offer some tips on how to make the most of it and avoid the worst of it.
1. Stand near the deviled egg plate. Like most every other human on the planet, you love them more than you care to admit. If you try to play it cool, they’ll be gone before you know it. And then you’ll cry. Don’t cry on Thanksgiving because you missed out on the deviled eggs. Just scarf them up til your heart’s content. Or until its cholesterol level maxes out.
2. Put in some early face time with other people’s kids. Enjoy those rug rats while you’ve still got the energy. That way later on, when you’re porked out, half-drunk, and exhausted, you can tell ’em to piss off in good conscience.
3. Watch some football. If you like watching football, this is a given. But if you don’t like watching football? Well, if you don’t like talking to Aunt Mathilda either, this is an easy way out when there’s nowhere else to turn. Just stare blankly at the screen and think about how much more fun you’ll have when you get back home.
4. Ignore anyone who warns you about filling up on stuffing. Stuffing is the food of the Gods. Whoever told you that is a devious bastard and not to be trusted. They’re just trying to get more stuffing for themselves. Stab that person in the ear with a salad fork if you need to. They have it coming.
5. If you’re traveling, leave whenever you want. Wednesday night, Tuesday night, Wednesday morning. Whatever. It’s a crap shoot, and you’re probably screwed no matter when you depart. So just suck it up, pick whatever time seems convenient, and assume it’ll take 50-100% longer than it should.
6. Eat the Sweet Potato Pie instead of the Pumpkin Pie. It’s a close call, but the Sweet Potato Pie really is better. Also probably better for you since sweet potato is a goddamn miracle food. Plus, it’s just hipper. Pumpkins are played out. But sweet potatoes are sassy. You know. To the extent a tuber can be sassy.
7. Learn to cook. You hate going to your family’s for Thanksgiving? Learn how to make all, or at least most of the stuff yourself, and then invite whomever the hell you want to your house next year. Either that, or pretend to be Canadian; they celebrate on the second Monday of October.
This article originally appeared at 20SomethingMagazine.com